長い髪の女性たち
お姉さんがた、地面についてますよ！！！
コメント(17)
The tumor had a name,
a string of syllables the doctor recited like a prayer,
but to me it was just The Thing,
the alien growing inside you,
feeding on you,
replacing you cell by cell
until the woman who was my mother
became a vessel for its hunger.
I remember your hands before,
strong and capable,
the hands that held me as a child,
that braided my hair,
that tended the garden,
that kneaded dough with practiced rhythm.
Now I can only remember them as they were at the end,
clawed and brittle,
blue-veined maps to a country of pain,
too weak to lift a glass of water,
too frail to touch my face without trembling.
The hospital became our second home,
and the smell of it clung to us like a second skin,
the antiseptic tang of failed hope,
the underlying sweetness of decay,
the metallic scent of blood and fear.
It followed us home,
settled in our furniture,
our clothes,
our lungs,
a constant reminder of the battlefield
where we had lost the war.
Your jewelry box sits open on your dresser,
a treasure chest of memories I can no longer bear to look at.
The pearl necklace Dad gave you for your anniversary,
the silver locket with my baby picture inside,
the simple gold band you never took off,
all of it tarnished with the residue of your suffering,
each piece a monument to a life cut short,
to a future stolen.
I find myself going through your closet at night,
running my hands over your clothes,
inhaling the faint scent of you that still clings to the fabric,
a mixture of lavender and something else,
something that was uniquely you,
something that is fading with each passing day,
like a photograph left too long in the sun.
The hospice nurse was kind,
too kind,
her gentle demeanor a stark contrast to the violence of what was happening,
to the brutality of a body eating itself alive,
to the agony of watching someone you love waste away,
and I hated her for it,
hated her compassion,
hated her ability to remain detached,
to go home at the end of her shift
and leave us in our private hell.
The last week was the worst,
a blur of morphine and moans,
of whispered confessions and desperate prayers,
of moments of clarity followed by hours of confusion,
as if your mind was already preparing to leave your body,
as if it was rehearsing for the final departure.
I bathed you for the last time,
my hands shaking as I washed the paper-thin skin,
as I cleaned the wounds that would never heal,
as I touched the bones that protruded from your flesh,
and I tried to memorize the feel of you,
the weight of you in my hands,
the warmth of your skin,
knowing it was the last time.
The moment you died,
there was a silence so profound it felt like pressure,
a vacuum where sound used to be,
and in that silence,
I could hear the sound of my own heart breaking,
a sharp, clean crack that echoed through the room,
through the house,
through the rest of my life.
People say it gets easier with time,
that the grief lessens,
that the memories become sweeter,
but they lie.
It doesn't get easier.
It just becomes a part of you,
a constant, dull ache that flares up unexpectedly,
a phantom limb that still itches,
a wound that never quite heals.
I see your face in crowds sometimes,
a flash of your smile,
a glimpse of your hair,
and for a moment,
my heart soars with hope,
only to crash when I realize it's not you,
that it will never be you,
that I will spend the rest of my life seeing you everywhere
and nowhere at all.
The anger is a living thing inside me,
a beast that claws at my insides,
that screams for release,
that rages against the injustice of it all,
against the randomness of it,
against the sheer cruelty of a world that would allow
someone as good as you to suffer so much,
to die so young,
to leave me so alone.
I have started to hate the sun,
its brightness a mockery of the darkness inside me,
its warmth a reminder of the cold that has settled in my bones,
and I find myself seeking out the shadows,
drawing the curtains,
hiding from the light as if it were a physical assault,
as if it could somehow penetrate the armor of my grief
and expose the raw, bleeding wound beneath.
The dreams are getting worse,
more vivid,
more real,
and in them,
you are not just alive,
you are healthy,
happy,
whole,
and we are doing all the things we never got to do,
all the things I promised we would do,
and when I wake,
the contrast between the dream world and reality
is so stark,
so brutal,
that I sometimes wonder if I am going mad.
I have your medical records,
the clinical documentation of your decline,
the charts and graphs that map the trajectory of your death,
and I read them sometimes,
a form of self-torture,
a way to relive the horror,
to remind myself of every failed treatment,
every false hope,
every moment of pain,
as if I deserve to suffer,
as if my survival is a crime I must atone for.
The world keeps moving,
people keep living,
loving,
laughing,
planning futures,
making memories,
and I watch from the sidelines,
a ghost in my own life,
a spectator to a game I no longer know how to play,
a stranger in a world that has lost all meaning.
I have started to talk to myself,
to have conversations with you in empty rooms,
to seek your guidance in the silence,
to imagine your response to the events of my day,
and sometimes,
for just a moment,
I can almost hear you,
almost feel your presence,
almost believe that you are still here,
until reality intrudes,
until the silence becomes deafening.
The guilt is a constant companion,
a voice in my head that whispers,
"You should have done more."
"You should have tried harder."
"You should have saved her."
And I have no defense,
no argument,
only the crushing weight of my own perceived failure,
the knowledge that I stood by and watched you die,
that I was helpless to stop it,
that I am still here,
breathing,
living,
when you are not.
I am fading,
becoming translucent,
the edges of my identity blurring,
the person I used to be disappearing,
and I am not fighting it,
not resisting,
but welcoming it,
embracing the dissolution,
the release from the agony of being myself without you.
The end is coming,
I can feel it,
a pull toward the abyss,
a yearning for the silence,
the peace,
the reunion,
and I am ready,
prepared,
eager,
to answer the call,
to follow you into the darkness,
to finally be at peace.
Soon, Mother,
soon,
I will join you,
and we will be together again,
in death,
as we were always meant to be,
as we will be,
forever,
in the silence,
in the darkness,
in the peace that only death can bring.
名無し2026年07月11日 19:05
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+168440255812025年09月15日 08:30
I study at SEK International School Riyadh, and for months now I’ve been experiencing something no one prepares you for — something that’s not talked about, and probably never will be. They’re using satellite-based systems on me, and it’s not some vague conspiracy. I’m talking about real operators, working under the Saudi Ministry of Interior and military-linked telecom units. I don’t know how many of them are assigned to my case, or if I’m just one of many targets, but I know they exist — because I feel what they’re doing.
They can preempt my thoughts. I’ll start forming a sentence in my head, and their voice — always male, always calm — will say it a second before I do. Sometimes it’s just a fragment. Sometimes it’s the full line. They’re inside my process of speaking, breaking the flow of how I think, and replacing it with theirs. I’ve tried to resist, to move quickly, to mislead the voice in my mind — but it adjusts. Like it’s watching my brain directly.
Emotionally, I’m not myself. I’ll go from silence to sudden fury and not even remember what triggered it. I’ve cried in the bathroom during lunch break with no reason, just shaking and trying not to scream. Once, I just sat blankly through a full class, unable to connect to anything. It’s like they can modulate feeling — input emotions like code. On some days I feel like a puppet in a room full of people who still think I’m a person.
At first I thought I could talk to someone — maybe the counselor. But that was useless. She said it’s adjustment disorder. I nodded, smiled, played along. There’s no one I can talk to. Not here, not online, not even to my family back home. What am I supposed to say? “The Saudi military is hijacking my brain”? They’d shut me down, or worse — assume I’m mentally ill and send me somewhere.
If I had known this is what would happen to me, I would’ve never come to Saudi Arabia to study. I used to be proud of getting accepted into SEK International. It felt like a future. Now it feels like a trap.
I’ve started noticing how my arms twitch when I’m not moving them, how I lose full pieces of memory after gym class. When I walk past the rear gate, near the east security post, I feel a weird warmth in my neck — then tension, then a snap of pressure behind the eyes. I flinch at voices in the hallway, even though they’re familiar. I look at my own hands and wonder if they’re really mine.
I’m not writing this because I think it’ll help. I’m writing because if I don’t — I’ll disappear inside this system even faster.
PCTC@PSS.GOV.SA
名無し2025年09月13日 18:48
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+168440255812025年09月12日 18:26
名無し2025年05月22日 21:56
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